(Dedicated to all the girls that I’ve met
in this strange terrestrial journey through life)
I was asked so many times, especially by
the girls, but not only, something like: ”Are you always so quiet?”. Even my
mother, who speaks a lot (you could expect that, don’t you), gives me
reproaches, when I ask for example if there is any tea left for me to drink
(and it is not), like: “Why didn’t you SAID, I would have done more?” Even though I don’t actually
complain about it.
When I am silent around other people,
many times people believe that I’m indifferent and they also start to act like
that, as if I don’t exist for them. There are some of them, few, who somehow
gather courage to talk with me, just to see what is behind this apparently
unshakable silence.
But they give up very soon…
The truth is…I speak only if I am
questioned, in 99% of cases, because I don’t feel that I would need something
from the others, and that in very rare cases. That’s why, I can stay with
somebody in the office, for example, the whole day, without asking him a single
thing outside the work area. Or, when I travel with train and I am with
somebody in the compartment, the same thing, I really don’t feel the need to
speak with the other person.
This way of being brought me enough
downsides, though. Because, in the places that I’ve been, if I was simply
myself, people got bored with me or they rejected me, and then I would become a
weirdo which nobody understands and nobody talks to with. This hurt me. Because
I don’t want to be separated from people, I like to share with them beautiful
moments, but on the other hand, I don’t want to pretend that I am something
that I’m not either.
In the secondary school, I was the nerd
of the class 8th E, the man to whom people asked for help on examination papers,
to whom they would not speak usually because we had nothing to speak about
(with these clever guys you really don’t have nothing to discuss, man!), and
which they used as a saviour lyer to get them with no absences. It was a
difficult time for me, because I felt that I’m not accepted the way I am, and I
really felt, for about 2 years, that there is nobody in this damn world to
understand me and accept me as I am. That’s why, I think, I got in a situation
in which I was thinking very often on committing suicide. The suffering of not
being who I really am, seemed too much for me.
Thank God I didn’t have the guts to do
it. This is maybe the only moment in my life when I think the fear it proved to
be a good thing.
By and by, though, I started to pay less
and less attention to the social norms and to the “shoulds” and “should nots” .
So I started to recognize to myself this silent nature of mine, and not to
judge and condemn myself for it. And then, the silence became even more deep. I
found that if you are silent, you start to feel the people much more alive, you
start to see beyond the masks, you start to see the difference between saying
and doing, and then a new challenge arises. What you do with the truth you are
discovering? Do you reflect it on the outside, like a mirror, or you keep it
for yourself, because the truth is sometimes too heavy to be uttered.
Well, for a while I went on keeping the
silence, in fact keeping my mouth shut, literally, although many times I would
have said things that I knew the others wouldn’t have liked. My silence was not
yet pure enough, because in a subtle way, these things were felt. When I saw
that a man had an unfair behaviour, for example, like gossiping, lying, blaming
himself, etc., I found it difficult to come closer to him. Because inevitably,
at a certain point, these things had to be said. And a truth that is not
accepted, divides people, does not bring them together.
This was the university period, when
I was 19-23 years old.
At that time I related more to people,
compared to previous times like in Secondary School or High School, but my
heart was still hurt and I hadn’t yet forgiven the people who rejected me in
the past and me neither, for letting this happen.
The real process of healing started when
I met Osho, through his books, somewhere in the year 2000. Then, in a library
from Bucharest, reading a little story from his life, in which he had the
courage to stand straight before the others, at the same time respecting his
inner truth, I felt this call of being honest and sincere to myself, regardless
of the external consequences, and to express what is inside with dignity and courage,
towards the others.
Howcome I got to think about all these
things again?
Because I had recently a personal meeting with a Reiki Master
(Andreea Ionescu – her romanian blog, here: http://pisicka.wordpress.com), who told
me, among other things, that I have a round energy and I don’t need a female
presence in my life, at a deep level. And that I’m somehow enough for myself,
the way as I am, and I can function in a relationship but also alone. I’m not
fully aware now of what this woman told me, but somewhere inside me, I see the
truth of it...
So, why I love silence, after all?
Because in silence my truth, my beauty
and my inner strength is revealed.
Because in silence I begin to feel, how I
am, how the others are.
Because in silence my life starts to have
a meaning and everything looks miraculous.
Because out of silence the song and the
joy of singing are born.
Because silence asks nothing from me, but
it gives me everything…
:)
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