Visiting the Oracle from Pipera Area...(II)

You can read the first part of the article, here.

So, where were we?

So I left from Mrs Andreea, with a DVD of the movie ”Avatar” in my backpack and with my soul more lighter because I told about very intimate things to a stranger whom I felt, still, pretty close to me. That was on the evening of 6.03.2013, somewhere between 5 and 7 pm, for those fascinated by numerology.

I arrived home and I was thinking if I should watch the movie then or the next morning. Because the movie was about two and a half hours long (162 minutes, to be precise), and because I had somehow a state of tiredness, I decided to look at it the next day before lunch. In this way I wasn’t mixing the impressions and sensations I had after this meeting, with the movie, and I would let the night somehow settle down things.

Before I go on with my story, I want to say that in that week some significant things were also happening. In the previous days, Monday and Tuesday (4 and 5 of march respectively), I had a sharing and talks with the girl I had broke up on New Year Eve Party, in such an open and straightforward way I could never imagined. This opened my heart to the unknown even more. I could say to her, for example, that it seemed to me not right to kiss me if she didn’t love me :).

And she admitted that she knew somehow deep inside that I’m not “the right person” for her, but she indulged in that uncertainty.

One more thing that is worth mentioning about that week is that I was doing an exercise, a meditation technique called “walking with no head”, in which you have to imagine yourself in whatever you do, as having no head. This was done together with other friends, each one on his own, of course. The idea of the technique is to connect you more with your heart space and to look at the world not through the eyes of the mind but more through the gentle and loving eye of the heart. For me, one of the effects was that I somehow didn’t feel the need to look into the mirror anymore. It was like, if I don’t have a head, what to look at anyway?

Now let’s get back to the main story.

So I slept and I dreamt of M, who was beside me (in my dream), and then we had to move from some room with all our things and I see her going but she is with somebody else and she plays in her unique way with that boy. Her image like a photo of an actress, much more beautiful and clean than I knew her, remains in my mind.

And I wake up very early, around 5- 5.30 am, very fresh and with a trance-like awareness state. I meditate for about an hour, and then I fall asleep again. When I wake up, after I make my usual cleaning service, I start the computer and I watch “Avatar”. A movie launched in 2009 on the market, so it was kind of outdated, but I didn’t feel the need to see it then, although everybody was talking about it around me. For some good years, I just don’t feel the need to watch movies or read books anymore. It seems that my brain reached a saturation point and needs to be washed before writing something new on it.

So I look at the movie, which doesn’t have romanian subtitles, and I’m forced to put to work my foreign language abilities in order to understand something about what’s going on there. The movie does have a spiritual meaning, as Andreea told me, it is about the eternal fight between old and new, between mundane and holy, between unconsciousness and consciousness. In “Matrix” we had Neo and Smith, the two antagonist faces of the same character, here we have Jake and his Avatar.

What touches me in this movie is not, yet, the special effects or the actual idea of the movie, but the moment when Jake’s Avatar is under the shoot of Neytiri’s arch, and some delicate creatures like jellyfishes come to sit on him, as a sign that she shouldn’t kill him. I saw this as an expression of love, which became visible by putting together the raw force (Jake’s muscles, the Arch of Neytiri) with the softness of those virtual creatures. My tears fell.

And again, on the fighting scenes where the solidarity of the natives was put on test, I was touched till tears. I felt that it was a fight of justice against injustice, of truth against lies, in which somehow I was involved also.

That was about the “Avatar” movie.

What I can still remember is that I was looking through my window, from my room, and I was seeing gulls flying and floating slowly in the sky, as in a dance with the wind. There was so much poetry in their slow fly….

All day I had the sensation that I live in another movie of my life, not the one I knew till then. Everything was moving so slow, everything around me seemed changed, transfigured, different. I had a silence in me from another world. And I was really asking myself then, how much is it gonna last this state? Is it something temporary or not?

Meanwhile, I came back to “my senses”. The magical feeling disappeared but his echo is still there and will probably come up again, in some other special day like that 7 of march 2013.

The dog, the chain and the family

Until the second part of the experience related to the visit to the ”Oracle from Pipera” comes (you can find the first part here: http://oshotraveller.blogspot.ro/2013/06/visiting-oracle-from-pipera.html), I’ll tell you now about a happening that took place recently, related to my family. The characters in the movie are: Me, My mother, My Father, The Family’s dog, My brother. What is all about?

Before we literally enter the story, I’ll tell you the background facts.

My parents have a house with a courtyard, with no upper levels, in which nobody lives now. And we have a dog there, a female dog, that guards the stuff there. And because nobody lives there, we have to go each day to feed the dog. Usually this is done by my father, who is retired and has more free time available. Sometimes I also go or my mom, and when we are out of town, my big brother goes. He has lived there quite a time but now is living with his wife and the child in his own house.

Let’s say that this dog has been tied for almost 99% of the time, near his kennel, with a chain

about 2 meters long (about 78 inches). The only time that he enjoyed more freedom was when he was escaping from the chain or when I set him free, once even on the street.

So for a couple of days, our little doggy was kind of sick and he wasn’t eating too much, he wasn’t barking, apparently he was about to die. The dog is 10 years old, anyway, and it looks like he doesn’t hear very well. When I heard that he was ill, I got an idea. I thought to go one of those days to give her food and then to let her free on the street. Almost every time when I was there to feed her, I was feeling some kind of heartache when I saw her there, alone and tied also with the chain. But, my rationality and coziness, two aspects I inherited from my father, basically, stopped me from acting in a way that will make the life of this animal easier. With just one exception, mentioned above.

So when I heard that he was (probably) dying , I thought that I’ll never forget myself if I don’t get there to let her free. Besides, it looked to me a good moment, psychologically speaking, for my parents, because it was more likely that they will forget about their stupid attachment to the dog, now being put in front of a possible break-up once and for good. Said and done.

So I went on a Sunday afternoon, among drops of rain, to feed the dog and to give him something that I should have gave him long ago: freedom!

I got there and I saw that he was standing in his little house, sleeping. At first I thought he was dead because usually when I arrive there, as soon as I open the door he starts barking joyously. I went to him, I caressed him on the head and I spoke a little with him. He wasn’t moving at all, just hardly breathing. But after a few minutes he woke up, he stood on his feet and ate the bones I had brought it. Hmm, if he’s eating that means he wants to live, I said to myself. Meanwhile, the rain was coming from time to time, with little drops, and I was wondering if under these circumstances it’s a good idea to let her free.

In the end, when I saw the rain had calmed down, I set the dog free. And he left slowly but surely towards the door. He walked a little loop sided, he barely stood straight, his legs were probably numb after so much rest. And when I opened the door to the courtyard, he got out instantly.

And then I watched to see what he’s doing. He went on the street, slowly, slowly, started to smell all kinds of things, like an animal of course. After some 15-20 minute, I shouted at him to come back. Of course he didn’t hear me, or just didn’t listen to me. Then I went to him, to talk with him and to persuade him somehow to come back in the court. He’d walk a few steps with me and then would stop and go back. Then I walked away as if I wanted to go, to see if he goes to the house. I knew that last time I did this, it was the way I convinced him to go back. But now it didn’t work.

In the end, I went back to take some wire, to pull him by force towards the home. I walked some distance with him, tied with this wire around his head, and then he wouldn’t want to walk anymore. Then I said „Ok, have it your way”. I untied the wire and I left. He didn’t come after me. So I went home, my real home.

When I arrived home, I thought I should prepare somehow for the reactions of my parents. I didn’t felt sorry for what I had did, anyway, and I thought that if he wants to come back he will come back the next day for food. Or he will stay there on the street. But because I expected my parents will blame me as if I was a little child, although I knew very well what I was doing, I said to myself I’ll tell them what I did after I finish my evening meditation, Osho Kundalini Meditation (http://www.osho.com/main.cfm?Area=meditation&Sub1Menu=activemeditation&Sub2Menu=kundalini) , so I will not spoil this goody meditation with the argue.

Goood. So the meditation is over and I go to the living room, where my parents are watching a movie on Pro TV (one of the romanian tv stations...), a romanian movie in which a he and a she were arguing very passionately. The eyes were captured by the movie action, so I’m thinking it’s the right time to break the spell with my great news. And I say to my father: “Tomorrow when you’ll go to the dog you will find him on the street, if you will find him anyway”. Ha? What? Why? I explained them, in brief, what happened, and only my mother appeared to understand why I did it. I felt this in her eyes… My dad gave me one of his well-known replies: “Such brains you have!” And then something like: “How could you let the dog on the street? To die on the street?” I said: “What difference does it make if he dies on the street or in his kennel?” But for his narrow and possessive mind, it didn’t make sense what I was saying. 

Eventually they went to the court house, to bring the dog in the courtyard, if they would find him on the street. The found him but it looked like the dog didn’t wanted to stand up. So they left him there till the next day. Then my father (after my mother had left to work), brought him somehow by force, with the chain on his neck, back in the courtyard. In the third day after this, I heard that he came back to life. Very good.

The next day, on Monday, I spoke with my brother, who had phoned me the day before to ask me: „What was in my head to let the dog on the street?” Well, so that he feels what it means to be free, I said. Then he starts with rational arguments, like: „What if he would have bit somebody? The dogs are unpredictable! You should have put him back in the courtyard, if you let him free.” And the thing that really pissed me of, was: ”I don’t wanna hear that you’ll do this kind of stuff!” WTF? I was a little kid who made a blunder and he was explaining, like a parent, what is good and what is right? He explained me that after so many years of living there he had an attachment for the dog. And he cared so much for him that he didn’t go even once with him to the near park, to walk him, to let him see something more than that fucking kennel. They kept him tied, he and my parents also, so many years, giving him a more ugly life than that of a bullock horse.

Well, this is it .

For me it was amazing to see how blind people can be, when their heart is closed. And how they make up all kind of rationalizations to justify their so called affection, which it’s not at all about some other being, in this case a dog, but about their own egoism and possessivity.

And I also found interesting the fact that although the dog had total freedom, as far as movement is concerned, he remained on the street and it didn’t go in the big world, so to say. What it means to live all your life chained to the peg...Is it man also like this? I think so.

Visiting the Oracle from Pipera...(I)

On 6th of march 2013, I’ve had a meeting with a Reiki Master, namely Andreea Ionescu. You can read more about her on her blog: http://pisicka.wordpress.com/. How did I get there? I attended a Reiki evening with her and her students, and I liked her presence and her energy. Then I just took her phone number from a friend, and I made an appointment.

The basic reason that led me to her was a dark episode from my life, happened a few years ago, which left me with some questions in my mind. In short, out of the blue I found myself having these killing thoughts, which I really didn’t know how to handle with. Just imagine a voice that only you are hearing, is telling you: “Take the knife and kill this being!” I have had crucial tests before in my life, but usually these were about me, personally. For example, when I was a little boy, maybe 8 or 9 years old, I was about to drown in the sea, and I would have drowned there if I hadn’t had shouted for help. I remember even now the critical moment when I thought: ”Should I cry for help or not?” If I would have waited a few seconds more, I couldn’t have done it anymore, probably.

Or in my adolescence, when I was thinking to commit suicide. It was somehow, also about my own life.

But this episode, from my 28 years, was something new somehow, and it shook me to my roots. And although I passed over it without actually killing anybody, I felt somehow that something unfinished remained there. A question that was still in my mind afterwards was: were those thoughts mine or was it some evil entity that took over me for a while?

With this question in my head, I wanted to go long ago to a therapist, to tell him about what happened to me and to actually ask for a second opinion. But because I either didn’t found the right person, or it seemed to me too expensive, or...the moment was delayed pretty much. But when I came across this being full of warmth and a rare seen maturity, I said it’s the moment to make the step. As a background fact, the being I wanted to kill back then was a woman also, so I went to Andreea with a thought that she could probably better understand what happened.

So I arrived at this lady, who lives in the fucking suburbs of Bucharest, in Pipera,  a residential area, very fine otherwise. I think it took me an hour and a half to get there, from which 30 minutes only walking, on the highroad. Anyway, her little house is magnificent, she has all kinds of esoteric stuff spread all over the room, plus a very beautiful garden. And, above all, a white cat as an assistant. When I saw the cat and all the scenery, I started to feel like Neo from Matrix, who goes to the Oracle to found out what he already knows...

Andrea asks me what brought me there and I start to tell her my story. I look at her from time to time and I see her yawning and her eyes are wet. She vaguely explains to me that she’s „doing something”, I don’t know why, and then she tells me straight: those thoughts were yours. She asks me if I dream in the nights that I fight, and I say not anymore, but in the past yes. And that it happens to me very offen to see myself with a sword in my right hand. She tells me then that she sees me just like this, with a sword in my hand on the battlefield, in the first line. Killing not one, but hundreds of people. My heart starts to melt...

And then she says that she sees me with a hood on my head, as a christian or zen monk and that these are the basic figures that she sees me like: monk and warrior. I listen to her and I can’t say neither yes or no, rationally speaking. But, from what I know of myself, of my thoughts and my feelings, yes, what this woman is telling me makes sense. The warrior disposition I had it since I was a little child, when I was living with my grandparents and I used to shoot with the slingshot the little birds, or I made an arch to shoot play with. Or, should I say about the soldier toys I played with when I was in the second or third primary school, I think? Or the clay war buildings I used to make?

Ok, so you were a samurai or whatever, in the past lives, and then you did your repentance in the monasteries, be it christian, buddhist, tibetan, etc. What’s next?

Because I told her that the theme of this meeting is „the relationship with women”, she tells me that I’ve made in other lives the so called chastity vow, meaning to renounce having sex with women, for the sake of God. I remember that somebody also told me that before, 7 or 8 years ago, somebody with some extrasensorial perceptions. I can’t say neither yes or no, but facts are speaking for themselves. My relationships with girls started very late, when I was already 20 years old, and I had always a holding back on having sex, because I felt it is a sin if you don’t love the person.

She asks me if I want to untie those vows and I say yes. We were about to pass on to this, later on.

At some point she comes with the divining rod (a tool from radiestesy: http://www.answers.com/topic/radiesthesia) and the associated scale, and she measures my energetic field or something. She tells me that it has 6 mil. units, which is much above the level of the average man (who has around 100-200 units). My ego feels good about it, but still I cannot translate this information into my system. Andreea asks me when was the last time I was in love and how much it lasted. I say, some many years ago and it lasted around one year and a half. She says that for most people it lasts only several months. Is it so? I don’t know.

Then she asks me what would I want to be written on my funeral stone. I said, I don’t know. On your visit card, then? I say, „a man who knew how to give himself away”. She replies that this is a powerful Bodhisattva statement, and she briefly tells me about an episode in her Nepal trip, when the buddhist monks were making food for the guests, as a selfless service for the others. Pondering a little bit on what she said, afterwards, I realized that beyond my egoistic moments in this life, the deepest feelings of brotherhood and peer to peer connection I had it with the people that are on the spiritual path and who fight so that the truth is revealed in a way or another. It was not with my family, it was not with the people of the same language I speak (although these are also important), or other groups of people. The only affiliation that I feel is really free and with no bondings, no mental limits, is this spiritual affiliation.

After this discussion I feel my heart is opening and I look into the warm eyes of this lady, who lets herself seen in her depths. Sometimes it looks like there is no point in talking, because we could communicate very easily and much more deeply only looking at each other...

Then she asks me: „Do you have any more questions?” I say: „No”.  And we move on to the practical part, of untying bindings and getting rid of the barriers...

I sit on some sort of extensible armchair, like on the dentist, just much more comfortable. She tells me to relax, I relax, and I feel her palms above my head and then in the heart area. She tells me to say mentally that I release myself from the chastity vow, I do it, though without much of conviction. I feel to say though something like: „I want to live free, without limitations.” At some point I start to breath more deeply through the mouth, and I feel some tingles in my body as if somebody would have plugged me in to electricity. She asks me what I see, but it’s hard for me to catch the images that go through my mind. I am very rooted in the body, in its sensations. At some point, everything settles down and she lets me a few minutes to recover. I feel something is changed. The next day I will have felt this even more strong. But about this, in the second part of the article.

We sit a few more minutes, and she asks me if I’ve seen „Avatar”, the movie, and I say „No”, and then she handles to me the DVD with this movie. I accept the invitation because I’m in an accepting mood.

Before we go, she tells me a few more things about what I should do regarding my relationship with women and the professional part. I catch something about „you have many, many resources, you sit on minegolds, you just need to dig a little...” I agree internally and externally. That I must dig, clearly.

I put my donation on the table for the time and energy she offered to me and we leave together towards the car, as she offered to take me to the metro.

-       to be continued -

Whose song is this?

There was a time when music was the most important thing in my life. Somehow, through it, the part in me which feels and it doesn’t know how and why it feels, but is enjoying it, was taking his air and life, and the “me” from that time was taking maybe his only true joy, the joy that keeps you alive and gives you the feeling that after all,  your life has a meaning, a purpose, a caress.

Then a time came when my interest in music began to fade, slowly, slowly, and I started to take my food for soul by other means and ways. I started more and more to see the works of Love, not just in music but all around. A man that asks for forgiveness, a gentle touch of the hand, a smile that hides a peaceful joy and an endless compassion…

And because I liked not only to listen to the music but also to play it, both of them went together, most of the time. So when I didn’t feel the need to listen music anymore, the need to sing also dropped.

On 3 of January 2013, I ended up a relationship with a girl, because I felt stuck there. At a deeper level I didn’t thought that she was the right girl for me, I didn’t thought that this relationship could really work. But when someone comes and opens before you, it’s kind of hard to just turn your back on him/her and to tell that person straightly what you feel and think. And a part of me was hoping that maybe, maybe something will happen…

What happened was that we broke up, at my initiative, and I’ve met again, with the other side of the coin, to cite from a book that I appreciate. I mean I felt the pain of separation, that feeling that someone who was caring for you, does not care anymore. That feeling that you are alone in this world and there is nobody to love you, to hold you and to help you if you need.

But a part of me, that part which knows and can do so much more than “I”, the one that is writing these lines can imagine, was telling me not to fight with these feelings. To let them be, to let them flow, to let them change. Because only this way I can be sure that I’m free of them.

And this is what I did.

I’ve given away myself to sadness as a gazelle gives away herself to the lion. And I’ve reached a point where I felt literally defenseless and completely vulnerable. I was seeing M in front of me, like a guest that you invite to come into your house, with the doors wide open. But she was afraid to enter. It was her turn, now….

What would all this have to do with music and what I said in the first part of the article?

Well, they have, because out of this pain of separation, the desire to sing arose again. And I started to sing as I never sang before. Folk songs, mountain songs, songs that I knew but also new ones, I started to sing with voice in such a sweet and tender way, I could not believe my eyes.
And because a part in me knew that this sadness is not only my sadness, is also her sadness, I’ve come to wonder: whose song is this? Is it me the one that sings it, or is it her who sings it through me?