Whose song is this?

There was a time when music was the most important thing in my life. Somehow, through it, the part in me which feels and it doesn’t know how and why it feels, but is enjoying it, was taking his air and life, and the “me” from that time was taking maybe his only true joy, the joy that keeps you alive and gives you the feeling that after all,  your life has a meaning, a purpose, a caress.

Then a time came when my interest in music began to fade, slowly, slowly, and I started to take my food for soul by other means and ways. I started more and more to see the works of Love, not just in music but all around. A man that asks for forgiveness, a gentle touch of the hand, a smile that hides a peaceful joy and an endless compassion…

And because I liked not only to listen to the music but also to play it, both of them went together, most of the time. So when I didn’t feel the need to listen music anymore, the need to sing also dropped.

On 3 of January 2013, I ended up a relationship with a girl, because I felt stuck there. At a deeper level I didn’t thought that she was the right girl for me, I didn’t thought that this relationship could really work. But when someone comes and opens before you, it’s kind of hard to just turn your back on him/her and to tell that person straightly what you feel and think. And a part of me was hoping that maybe, maybe something will happen…

What happened was that we broke up, at my initiative, and I’ve met again, with the other side of the coin, to cite from a book that I appreciate. I mean I felt the pain of separation, that feeling that someone who was caring for you, does not care anymore. That feeling that you are alone in this world and there is nobody to love you, to hold you and to help you if you need.

But a part of me, that part which knows and can do so much more than “I”, the one that is writing these lines can imagine, was telling me not to fight with these feelings. To let them be, to let them flow, to let them change. Because only this way I can be sure that I’m free of them.

And this is what I did.

I’ve given away myself to sadness as a gazelle gives away herself to the lion. And I’ve reached a point where I felt literally defenseless and completely vulnerable. I was seeing M in front of me, like a guest that you invite to come into your house, with the doors wide open. But she was afraid to enter. It was her turn, now….

What would all this have to do with music and what I said in the first part of the article?

Well, they have, because out of this pain of separation, the desire to sing arose again. And I started to sing as I never sang before. Folk songs, mountain songs, songs that I knew but also new ones, I started to sing with voice in such a sweet and tender way, I could not believe my eyes.
And because a part in me knew that this sadness is not only my sadness, is also her sadness, I’ve come to wonder: whose song is this? Is it me the one that sings it, or is it her who sings it through me?